the four horsemen
Verbally attacking personality or character.
2. Gentle Start up
Talk about your feelings using "I" statements and express a positive need.
Attacking sense of self with an intent to insult or abuse.
4. build culture of appreciation
Remind yourself of your partner's positive qualities and find gratitude for positive actions.
Victimizing yourself to ward off a perceived attack and reverse the blame.
6. take responsibility
Accept your partner's perspective and offer a apology for any wrongdoing.
Withdrawing to avoid conflict and connivery disapproval, distance, and separation.
8. physiological self-soothing
Take a break (20-25 minutes) and spend that time doing something soothing and distracting. Come back and try again gently.
9. the arena
A metaphor to describe four communication styles that, based one the work of John Gottman, can spell disaster for a relationship if left unchecked are, the four horsemen: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling.
10. standing your sacred ground
Sacred ground is gently choosing to see your spouse and yourself as beloved, while communicating a difference with them as you remain vulnerable and honest.